DATE: Sunday, November 23, 1997             TAG: 9711210097

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E6   EDITION: FINAL 

COLUMN: IMPERFECT NAVIGATOR

SOURCE: ALEXANDRIA BERGER

                                            LENGTH:   55 lines

CATALOG SHOPPING IS THE WAY TO GO - OR IS IT?

WHENEVER I go out of town, my mailman salivates, drooling conspicuously, if I request he hold my mail at the post office. I am the Catalog Queen.

With catalogs offering 24-hour-a-day service, those unable to maneuver around store crowds and jammed aisles, like me, go for the convenience of phone shopping, especially during the holidays. It's the only way to buy.

At the same time it's a disabled or elderly person's plight.

Why?

Take Bloomingdale's, for example.

There's the Fall Sale catalog, the Pre-Holiday Private Sale catalog, the Big Christmas catalog, Big Christmas Pre-Holiday Special Sale, Winter White Sale, Day-Into-Evening Wear, Cruisewear, Thirty to Fifty Percent Off Spring, Spring-Summer Sale, Summer Inventory and, let's not forget, the Early Fall catalog, followed by intermittent special items from five-seasons-ago catalogs. And none of the merchandise I want is in stock. Ever.

Then there are the catalogs imprinted with, ``THIS IS YOUR LAST CATALOG! ORDER NOW TO CONTINUE SERVICE.'' Two days later, another catalog arrives, blaring ``THIS IS ABSOLUTELY YOUR LAST CATALOG!'' A week later, you get a letter . . . ``Please take a moment to fill out our customer service form so we many better serve you. We haven't heard from you in a long time. Enclosed please find a 20 percent off gift certificate for merchandise in our latest catalog of skateboards for the elderly. If you order now, we'll send you a free monogrammed bed pan and spit cup.''

The gourmet food, bulb and seed, children's clothing, toy, linen, traveler's, sporting life, period furniture, hard-to-find tool (available in any hardware store), book, department store, high- and low-tech, automotive, religious, American Express, western gear, jewelry, china, glass and silverware, office supply, adaptive device, and the now-famous catalog of catalogs arrive 365 days a year. I get them all.

Usually I receive eight copies of the same catalog, sometimes on the same day. I read them all.

I dog-ear catalog pages. When the stack is uncontrollable, I thumb through them, make a list and dial the 1-800 number, pen and credit card in hand. ``I'm sorry,'' says the voice on the other end, ``all of that merchandise was sold out a month ago. You should have called sooner. But we can substitute. .

The merchandise arrives. I go into return mode. It doesn't look like the picture. It doesn't fit. A piece is missing. I've paid for shipping and handling. Now I get to pay for it again.

With the dexterity of Jell-O, I repack, label and seal the boxes. Via my husband, off they go the United Parcel Service local office.

He will tell you he loves to make these trips. It is his life. Laden with boxes, he bolts out of the door as I yell, ``Don't forget the receipts!''

Next come the credit card bills. Payment due for things already returned. Maybe I should shop via the Internet. I wonder if there's a catalog of the latest Web sites? I'll call up and see if they'll send a couple of copies.

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